But no...I feel trapped in my body. Not in the "I'm so fat, I just want to be skinny" kind of trapped. I'm past that shit. I feel trapped in the sense that I just want to float away. I want to float away into oblivion, I want to fly over everyone....I don't want to have a physical body. I just want to be everywhere and no where all at the same time. It's a confusing feeling.
Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night, I feel like something is trying to get out of me. Something is rushing throughout my body, trying to squirm out of an eye, some skin cell, or my nose. It just wants to be free.
And I have no idea what that is. I didn't grow up being religious...I never really thought of a God when I was kid. Actually the few times I went to church I was just more interested in the donuts at the end of service (once a fatty, always a fatty). Seriously, I would leave the service to "use the bathroom" but really I would just explore in search of the donuts. I never found them. And the only times I really prayed was for my soccer team to win (we never did win).
I gave the God idea much more thought in high school, where I came to the conclusion that I was agnostic. I can't ever prove there is a God, but I can't prove there isn't. So I'm just going to stay neutral. I dabbled in various religions, but decided that I just wanted to be by myself with my own believes, whatever they may be. I didn't want anything necessarily holding me back from my own thoughts.
But now...? I've never really felt like this before. I thought maybe it was something...like my soul was trying to escape. But if I believe in a soul, then do I believe in God? Does something greater than myself have to create a soul? Or is the soul just an idea or random neurons going off in your brain? I could very well just be imagining the idea of something running widely inside of me.
The definition of soul: the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part (dictionary.com).
I'm at a loss for words. According to my philosophy of religion class, one can be spiritual but not religious. Honestly, I still don't really understand that...I always thought of the two as going hand in hand.
I don't know, I just tangled myself in my own words. I am left even more confused now. The kind of confused where your brain is going a million miles a minute and there is nothing to make sense of it. Sometimes I hate being a science major, because I got used to everything being so black and white. If I could look at a soul under a microscope or see a picture of it, I would have no problem.
Oh well. Maybe I will eventually float away and only then will I know all the answers.
Random thought of the early morning/late night: If I had to smell only one smell for the rest of my life, it would definitely be this "state of mind" home spa candle that I got way back in Colorado. I could drench my life in it and be content.
