Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gonna ride this out

I forgot about this. And am actually more depressed now that I found it. I didn't want to be stuck in a minimum wage job living at my parents house when I last wrote before I graduated.

However, that's exactly what has happened.

My soul felt like it needed to escape then. Now it feels like it's slowly dieing.

And my sleeping situation is worse off. I guess that's never going to change. However, it's made worse that I work 5 pm to 3 am, four or five days a week.

But my sleeping position has changed. As long as I can remember I slept on my stomach, turned to my side. Now the only way I can comfort myself is sleeping in the fetal position with my knees pulled up to my chest.

Random thought of the late night/early morning : Why did my sleep position change? And is that why my body hurts the majority of the time now?

I feel empty.

The only thing I will remember about this time in my life is watching the water drain down the sink at Wendy's.

Leave me out with the waste

I've been feeling confused lately. I feel trapped. Not in my life...fuck no, I am about to graduate and I am going to try to find a job, and I have no idea where I am going to be this time next year. That idea is both thrilling and horrible all at the same time. Because I will be utterly depressed if I am at a dead end, minimum wage job living at my parents.

But no...I feel trapped in my body. Not in the "I'm so fat, I just want to be skinny" kind of trapped. I'm past that shit. I feel trapped in the sense that I just want to float away. I want to float away into oblivion, I want to fly over everyone....I don't want to have a physical body. I just want to be everywhere and no where all at the same time. It's a confusing feeling.
Sometimes when I am laying in bed at night, I feel like something is trying to get out of me. Something is rushing throughout my body, trying to squirm out of an eye, some skin cell, or my nose. It just wants to be free.

And I have no idea what that is. I didn't grow up being religious...I never really thought of a God when I was kid. Actually the few times I went to church I was just more interested in the donuts at the end of service (once a fatty, always a fatty). Seriously, I would leave the service to "use the bathroom" but really I would just explore in search of the donuts. I never found them. And the only times I really prayed was for my soccer team to win (we never did win).

I gave the God idea much more thought in high school, where I came to the conclusion that I was agnostic. I can't ever prove there is a God, but I can't prove there isn't. So I'm just going to stay neutral. I dabbled in various religions, but decided that I just wanted to be by myself with my own believes, whatever they may be. I didn't want anything necessarily holding me back from my own thoughts.

But now...? I've never really felt like this before. I thought maybe it was something...like my soul was trying to escape. But if I believe in a soul, then do I believe in God? Does something greater than myself have to create a soul? Or is the soul just an idea or random neurons going off in your brain? I could very well just be imagining the idea of something running widely inside of me.

The definition of soul: the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part (dictionary.com).

I'm at a loss for words. According to my philosophy of religion class, one can be spiritual but not religious. Honestly, I still don't really understand that...I always thought of the two as going hand in hand.

I don't know, I just tangled myself in my own words. I am left even more confused now. The kind of confused where your brain is going a million miles a minute and there is nothing to make sense of it. Sometimes I hate being a science major, because I got used to everything being so black and white. If I could look at a soul under a microscope or see a picture of it, I would have no problem.

Oh well. Maybe I will eventually float away and only then will I know all the answers.

Random thought of the early morning/late night: If I had to smell only one smell for the rest of my life, it would definitely be this "state of mind" home spa candle that I got way back in Colorado. I could drench my life in it and be content.

Little Lion Man

I don't sleep at night. There is just something about night that doesn't allow me to sleep. During the day, I'm constantly in a haze and only at night do I really wake up.

This indicates I'm a vampire right?

But a kick-ass vampire, not some Twilight-sparkling one.

Unfortunately, my life doesn't like me to stay up all night. Which could also be why I'm always in a haze during the day. And that I just prefer sleeping during the day. Night is just so quiet and isolating. No one is around and I almost feel free.

I guess this indicates I should get a night-job.

Anyways, I've been depressed lately. And a different kind of depressed, not the "Oh hey Kate, you look miserable as usual" kind of depressed.
I'm actually miserable by the state of the world. I say actually, because I've never really thought about it before. Yeah, I watch the news and if a puppy drowns or someone dies, I usually think "Oh god, that's horrible" but I move on (Actually the puppy drowning thing...no I would never get over that).
I recently finished reading the book "Zeitoun" by Dave Eggers. It's about a Muslim family going through Hurricane Katrina and it's a true story. And it was terrible. Terrible in a magnificent way and I can't stop thinking about it. Not just the fact that they went through Hurricane Katrina, but what the father had to go through during the aftermath. It made me so angry and astonished that it was even possible that it occurred during my life time. The injustices that he faced...I still can't really believe it. It was the sort of thing I read in history books. I know, racism, sexism...etc. still exists. They always will. But what he went through...There were police involved. He was thrown in jail. He wasn't allowed to post bail. What he went through was inhumane. And he was one out of thousands.
Then last week, the school newspaper reported that a sophomore killed himself on Saturday night by laying down on the train tracks that run through campus. The newspaper article was grim and the cover of the paper had a picture of the tracks where he was. The picture was daunting, and as one person put it perfectly "let's you imagine exactly what happened on Saturday night". And since then, I can't get the idea of this guy throwing himself at a train to end his own life as I walk by those train tracks all the time when I'm on campus and I've taken the train home many times. I googled his name and found the obituary, articles...all about who he was and what he meant to everyone. I started crying, even though I never met him. I can't imagine the way his family is suffering or his friends. And the way this will impact them, for the rest of their lives. If he had known just what an impact he had, I'm sure he wouldn't have done it. It made me reflect on my own life, the past, and the choices I made that I wish I could take back.
Then of course, I woke up today to the news of the earthquakes and tsunamis in Japan. For an hour, I just watched clips of the damage on my computer. Hundreds are currently dead and thousands injured, while so many people are lost or without a home right now. And here I was, watching the damage on the other side of the world, comfortably inside from the little rain outside. How can my problems be significant when someone is aching from loosing their homes and/or family?
I have survivors guilt and I haven't been present for any events that can compare. I have survivors guilt simply for being, while so many people are suffering. I can't shake the feeling.
Why have I been privileged?


And I guess all of this doesn't help by the fact that I started to re-read Anne Frank's Diary a few days ago.


Random thought of the day/night/early morning: What is a whiteboard exactly? Plastic? Something else?

I'm just waiting to be told I have to shovel snow

The holiday season is finally over. No more terrible Christmas songs on the radio. I guess that's what I'm most excited about. I had the usual Christmas day with the family, that consists of waking up early (10), opening presents, eating breakfast, sitting around the tv reading whatever new books I got (this year = Compliation of 2010's best graphic novels), while my brother naps, my dad watches sports, and my mom cooks. Then dinner, with the typical jokes from my dad relating to me not eating meat, and the whole "oh but those green beans were murdered!" Yep, those jokes never get old. Then we watch a movie...this years was 1982's "The Thing". Very appropriate as being stuck in the house all day (and today, thanks Blizzard), I secretley feel like someone in my house is an alien and (spoiler alert!) I will have to make the choice whether or not I should blow the house up to save the world.
But this was Molly's first Christmas. She ran around all day with her new presents and bones, and ended up a bit cranky by the evening. When she gets cranky, she just walks around whining, wanting to go outside every 2 minutes, only to come right back inside. She passed out during "The Thing" which is good, as she may have been distraught over the dog-alien creatures.
Today she's romping around the snow. She loves it as she can dig without getting yelled at. Molly looks beautiful out in the yard, with her gold coat contrasting against all the white.

So...like the isolation factor in "The Thing", I am going to be stuck in my house for a month with no job and no money. I figured I should try to set some goals, so I don't go stir-crazy, even though that very well could still happen.
GOALS:

1. Reread all the Harry Potter books.
2. Watch all 5 seasons of Daria, including the two movies.
3. Begin to study for the certification exam that one day I will probably have to take.
4. Play the Sims as much as I fuckin want to.
5. Attempt to find a job for next semester.
6. Visit Meg in CT at least once, even if it means I have to hitch hike.
7. Try not to spend all of the small amount of money I have.
8. Attempt to persuade my parents to send me to NYC to visit my cousin.
9. See Black Swan and True Grit
10. And most importantly...try really, really hard not to loose my mind.

I'm not good with goals. Most likley only a few will be accomplished, and they won't be the important ones like finding a job or studying.

But it's the idea that I set the goals that counts? I'm just going to go with that.

Random thought of the day: Who is Craig in craigslist?

Which is a shame, cause I like breakfast.

My brain literally feels like scrambled eggs. And there is no reason why. I did nothing today that overally stimulated my brain. Unless you count trying to get the DVR to let me watch Real Housewives of Beverley Hills.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's the fact I hang out with a puppy all day and I think I am going to permentaly start speaking "puppy talk" to regular people. My voice goes up about 10 octaves around dogs/animals/anything with fur. It's annoying and I literally can't help it. As if Molly can understand me any better if my voice is high-pitched.

She's funny though. She'll go in the backyard and start throwing around a stick and then chase it. I don't need to do anything, she is completley self sufficient in the catch-game. And if I do feel the need to get the stick, she runs around me in circles, making me dizzy until I give her a treat. Also, if I stare at her long enough, she'll make this funny noise...like a groan and then yelp at me. Occassionally, she'll punch me in the face. She might win at the stick game, but I'm the reinging champion of staring contests.

In other news, I've been getting back into the Sims. I didn't play for almost a year, cause I broke the disc, but recently I've acquired a new disc...so back to that. My mom thinks its sad, because I've been playing some version of the Sims since I was 12. And even before that, before the Sims was even made, I would draw a family on MS Paint and pretend they were moving and would act out their lives. And when I say "act out their lives", I would just run the eraser madly around them, pretending it was some terrible...thing...and then go in and fill in the spaces with a different color..."scaring" them, if you will.
That's...kind of weird.

But yeah, so the Sims was a fresh of breath air to that MS Paint family. But now that I think about it, there is a lot of "God complexes" relating to the Sims. I mean, the controller (me) is acting as a type of God, controlling the peoples every day actions. And when God (me) gets bored with the family, the people might just end up taking a dip in the new backyard pool, only to find the ladder being taken out. And we all know, there is no way you can get out of a pool without the damn ladder.
Or you know...the delete key. But there is zero fun in that. Because we all want ghosts haunting the shit out of the next owners. Even though in reality, if there was clearly a very, very visible cemetary in your backyard, would you really move into that house? Like...if you looked out your window, and saw a huge tombstone, would you be comfortable sleeping? Unless you were a ghost hunter and jizzed with excitment at the thought, I'm guessing no.

Random thought of the night: If you have glass eyes, do you still blink? And I'm talking two glass eyes. Clearly if you had only one, you would still blink with both eyes, unless you felt like having the most perfect wink known to man kind.

Because I love to sleep

I haven't had a blog since fucking high school. And that was usually just me posting song lyrics and trying to discuss boys in very non-chalent ways. The typical "I am dark and nobody understands me" teenage years (I have to admit though, that I still go through that phase when the timing is right/I have had too much to drink).

And inevitably, I'll delete this after I get bored and/or embarrassed.

But do you know what my biggest problem is?

I don't sleep at night.

Which is terrible, because sleeping is my hobby. It is my favorite thing to do. It is encouraged and healthy to go in a soft comfortable bed each night, freely and legally hallucinate and stay that way for hours. Its amazing.
But I do sleep. Usually in the afternoon. It's a sick cycle that I stay up til all hours of the night and then by the time the day comes along, I'm so damn tired, I have to take long, glorious naps. Last semester that was my schedule. Stay up til 3 in the morning, go to class at 8 am, come back to the apartment, eat lunch while watching Wife Swap and then take epic naps.

And this schedule has abrubtly ended because the semester is over and I'm on break at home. And you know what? My parents are very ANTI-NAP. They think there are many more important things to do, like clean my room/my car/the bathroom/the lawn.

So I expected that today - the first of many non-napping days ahead of me, I would be exhausted by the time I got home and would sleep like a baby.
NOPE. Here I am, wide awake at 3:19 am.
And at most I will sleep until 10 am tomorrow to be waken up in the most adorable way possible of my dog crying outside my door. And that's a max of 10 am, cause usually Molly finds her way upstairs much earlier. Which I don't mind, because it is the only PROPER way to wake up. I love Molly MORE then I love sleeping, because she is the only being in the world who is always excited to see me, no matter what I look like, what time of day it is, or how long its been. I can just go into the bathroom for a minute and come out and she will greet me like it's been years. I love her unconditionally.

So anyways. Here I am, awake with no possiblity of a nap tomorrow. Unless I'm stealth and sneak one in.

Random thought of the night: Is it possible to grow a third nipple?